believe it or not, i'm a person who hates crowds.

and i dislike that i am like that! unadventurous, and pretty much filled with cowardice. secretly, i am afriad to make friends. though deep in my heart i know i reap the benefits of spontaneously making friends with people i never imagined myself ever coming close to. i bask in such benefits and love drawn from these people. but yet, i am afraid to venture some more. afraid to know more about a person and afriad to allow another person to know me better. afriad of talking and afraid of being too involved in other people's lives. (though, i enjoy it when i do. ironic huh!)

OH yes, i am weird.

& then i remember what uncle william said some many years ago in a message about friendship. "its all about allowing yourself to be vunerable".

well, OH-kay. some bedtime thoughts to think hard about.

i read dazz koh's blog. she gave a summary of what happened 4 years ago at our class bbq. it was hilarious. i miss KC, honestly. i remember my register number was 10. just after fiona foo. oh, those days were good. and now as i look back im wallowing in a bucket full of nostalgic emotions. 

& i read sam's email. "we should so have a foursixers thing soon.  because i may not be here for the next 26th december at laura's place!  gasp.  how about we have another bbq at dazzlyn's place.  haha at least we should help to clean up this time after eating yeah, instead of watching american idol. " looks like we're all leaving. i remember how our lives shaped each other's whilst in old times KC. im going to miss the individuals i meet every 26th decemeber, even though 26th december 2007, no one liked our WIB (women in black) theme and my cheesecake attempt for theresa obviously failed.

oh wells. im in this disjunct flow of thoughts i cant think straight.

im thankful for last night's movie with the yfc girls, particularly winnie grace lyd angie qh and joanne. it was a good show and good company. i was so absorbed in the movie i felt i was zapped away from reality, until. i read bernice's sms: "THIS IS SUCH A HORRIBLE WORLD." i was instantly pulled back to reality.

i am going to end here cos my thougts are just warpped and there's just too many things going through my tired brain that's probably lacked of oxygen and therefore not functioning right or the overly-fried brain cells killed by long periods on the handphone that generates harmful radiation.

i should rest.

To Fear God is to Believe in God. To Believe in God is to Obey Him.

" God once asked me to give up something I thought He had given me. It meant more to me than anything else. I had desired it for years. It was to work for a particularly well-known evangelist, one i dearly loved.

My wife and I had been offered positions on staff as assistants to this man and his wife. Not only did i love this man, but I also saw it as God's opportunity to bring to pass the dream He had implanted deep within me-- that i might preach the gospel to the nations of the world.

I fully expected God to say yes to this wonderful offer, but He made it clear that i was to turn it down. i wept for days after refusing this offer. I knew I had obeyed God, yet I did not understand why He had asked such a hard thing of me. After weeks of bewilderment, i finally cried out, " God, why did you make me put this on the altar?"

He quickly answered my cry: "To see if you were serving Me or the dream."" -- John Bevere, The Fear of the Lord.

so maybe, I have been serving my own dream.

after almost completing the book, i realised that i want more than all that i could ever wish for: the best university education, making my first ten thousand before i hit 20 (like i told geraldyne), marrying the most handsome boyfriend, having the most comfortable life. All I want is to Know God.

I remembering picking up this book 2 years ago and only to complete reading the first chapter and then forgot that I even began reading the book- i thought, then, perhaps it's not an interesting book afterall. but I realised that it wasn't because it wasn't interesting or not because I wasn't a reader, but because my heart wasn't prepared to swallow such a message and cost of fearing God.

and all I want now is to garner courage to let go of everything that I think matters (but actually doesnt, for eternity) just to know and follow Him. and I know choosing this would never be easy. there are much easier ways to live life- I know. but besides knowing all that, I desire a heart that fears God more. Fearing Him enough to live righteously, to stand up for what is right, to obey His commands and to fear Him enough to let go of every best or good thing the world could ever offer- even if it seems the most foolish thing to do.

& this is what I seek,
do not turn me down.

though I may at times be consumed by the overwhelming earthly distractions help me:

dont let me go.

Philippians 2:12-14:
"Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Do everything without complaining or arguing."

i envision more difficult times,
dont let me give into complaining.
dont let me go.

He's a lamp unto my feet
When I was sinkin', sinkin' in sin and sorrow
He came along and rescued me
He's a joy, joy of salvation
He's all the world to me, to me
He saved me and He raised me
All my sins, He forgave me
He's the best thing, best thing to happen to me

I have a friend above all others
He's everything to me
His love is deeper, deeper than any ocean
His love is wider than the sea
How can I tell just how much I love Him
He's all the world to me, to me
He saved me and He raised me
All my sins, He forgave me
He's the best thing, best thing to happen to me

Talkin' bout Jesus

He's the best thing that ever happened to me
The best thing to happen to me
You see when he saved me and He raised me
All my sins, He forgave me
He's the best thing (the best thing), best thing to happen to me

Well, I have a friend (I have a friend),
Wowohwow (above all others)
He's everything to me
And His love, is deeper (His love is deeper..deeper than any ocean)
His love is wider (His love is wider than the sea)
I can't tell (How can I tell)
How much (just how much I love Him)
He's all the world (to me), all the world, all the world to me
You see when He saved me and He raised me
All my sins, He forgave me
He's the best thing (the best thing), the best thing to happen to me

Oh, I'm talkin' 'bout Jesus

He's the best thing to happen to me (He is the)
The best thing to happen to me
You see when He saved me and He raised me
All my sins He forgave me
He's the best thing (best thing), best thing to happen to me

I gotta tell somebody

He's the best thing to happen to me (oh, my Jesus)
The best thing to happen to me (the best thing to happen to me)
He saved me and He raised me
All my sins, He forgave me
He's the best thing to happen to me

I tried the rest, I had to come on back to the best
He's the best thing to happen to...me
You know that's right

TODAY, you changed my impression. (:

oh, i love it when you do,
cos i love you.

p.s. this is not about late night starbucks! thats, too much personal to be mentioned. but oh, i love you both very muchmuchmuchmuch.

being plagued with fever, swollen eyes, flu and cough is certainly not a lovely thing.

but before i die:

The Fear of The Lord by John Bevere

is just a good read. it challenges what it means when i say: "i'm christian"-- it kept me alive, together with all the online shows like prison break (:

its great to fall sick when i'm not in school. so dont need to worry half the time about that undone homework that cluters my desk. :D

okay, i think i being to appreciate my un-school life (NOT!)
its dead boring.

& after once again thinking,
i realised, the gospel i talk about/ believe in/ and love, is replusive.

knowing this fact has allowed me to come to a comfortable conclusion:
"Abigail Han, get real."

being a christian means not everyone would love you.
painful, but definitely worth it. (:

just give me one more broken heart;
and i will continue loving them, jesus.

many are inspired by inspirational talks/books;
however i value inspiration that comes from people of God, people who yearn to please God.

I met prof Thio Li-ann in person today (: heard her give a talk/sharing about human law and divine justice from the christian perspective. and from today onwards i'd love to attend her public lectures. I am amazed not by the coherent totality of her sharing (no doubt, i was thoroughly encouraged) but by the fact that God can use people for His purpose. people who seek His righteousness. God can use lowly & unworthy people, like me.

i'm thankful that i believe and place my trust in such a gracious and merciful God who demands every part of my soul, mind, heart and strength to love Him in its totality, though i know im far from being just that.

i thanked prof thio with an email;
and in her own encouraging reply:

"It is good to live a life abandoned to Christ; difficult in many parts, but the alternative is mediocrity."

and other encouraging and uplifting words.

thank you. (:

and when everything i do does not seem quite helpful/useful;
i pray.

but the thing about prayer is it requires great patience:
and abigail han unfortunately is a little tight on that patience bank.

& i wondered what i did with you. did i just forget you in the praying, or when prayer didn't quite show any visible changes i just gave up on you- totally. i remembered you today, and wondered what really happened to you.

maybe when you're on the other side, you dont quite understand why.

and i dont know what i am talking about now. my thoughts aren't quite flowing right.

i did a whole lot of thinking through today. especially doing consolidation- facing 2 people in my life who in my perception, think and think. ailing and bj. and that set me thinking too. i think one thing im going to miss the most when i leave is the spurts of sharing i have with different people from different ministries in syfc, and the tremedous encouragement it brings. given the well-opportunity to just sit, and share and influence each other's lives in one way or another. i think leaving would mean taking away that piece of heaven from my life, but the beauty of God's family is that we never do leave one another- do we? (:

doing biblestudy today, two in fact, set me thinking about what is truly means to Love God. and i finally resolved that i dont need triumphs, i dont need achievements, i dont need fame or fortune, i dont need medals or exhaustive certificates to love God. i can love God with all that i have now, and all that i am now. i dont need to wait till i get a high-paying job before i can love God with my money, i dont need to wait till i have all the time in the world to love God with my time, and i dont need to be in a better earthly state to honour God with everything. i can do it now. and i will do it now.

food for thought.